A hypothetical situation

Disclaimer: Before I start this I need specify that this is in no way a commentary on race or ethnicity. This is merely an attempt at entertainment based on a situation my friend presented to me. Mexicans are hard working people who can achieve success in every aspect of the world that they wish to pursue, and the one's used in this argument are not a stereotype, but an illustration of the type of person needed to complete an equation. This is not a generalization. With that said...

My buddy RT sent me this message today:

"I wanna get drunker than 10 Mexicans on payday!"

I thought about this for a little bit before I decided that such a question is one that needs to be answered thoroughly. I mean, what exactly would it take to get ten Mexicans drunk on payday? Now before we get into what is needed, one should consider the factors and variables in such an equation.

First, for the purpose of dramatic effect, I am assuming these Mexicans are migrant workers. The question of legality is not of our concern here. The main issue is whether or not they have just put in a sixty hour work week doing things that only those of us fortunate enough to have the luxury of being lazy wouldn't dream of doing (i.e. working on a roof or a house). Now, for the purpose of controlling my variables, I am going reject those who work in the lawn care field of expertise. Why? Because I think if you can send your ten-year-old son out to do the same job with the same results, it is not a "field of expertise." Let's be honest, by a show of hands, who here hasn't mowed a lawn at least once? Exactly. Now raise your hands again if you have built a house or thatched a roof? Only a few, eh? Thought so. Furthermore, who here would send their ten-year-old son to build a house? None. I thought s...Luke, put your hand down. The point is, mowing a lawn takes about the same amount of skill as blowing your nose does. Sure you can do both different ways (both nostrils at once or, the more powerful, one-at-a-time approach), but neither require that much skill and focus mostly on getting the job done without making too much of a mess.

Along the lines of the hypothetical Mexican we are using, I think we need to mention that I am not referring to foremen on job sites, but the hard working, don't-speak-a-lick-of-English Mexicans that go home looking dirtier than Arnold Schwarzenegger at the end of Predator. I am assuming that these hypothetical Mexicans drink everyday. What grounds to I have for this assumption? None. Call it a hunch. I mean, I think I would drink every night if I spent the entire day hammering shingles on a roof with a heavy tool belt hanging off my waist like a baby kangaroo. Wouldn't you? Also, we must remember that this is payday. And I am talking "straight-to-the-check-cashing-joint" payday. There is no room for wives, girlfriends, or strippers. Straight-up single dudes only who want nothing more than to get trashed and end the night falling asleep head first on the steering wheel of their car. That's the kind of guy I am looking for here.

Now that we have our unknowns, I think we should define our variables. Obviously, we need to consider a number of factors such as type of alcohol, period of time, and number if unexpected friends, relatives, dogs, or random others who show up to participate in the night's events. For the sake of the argument I have made this number known and given it a value of four. I did this because I think it is reasonable to assume that at least two brothers, a cousin, and a friend will show up to get drunk along with the others. Undoubtedly, these four will not have bought any beer, "mooching" off the others. Luckily, they have been accounted for in this equation because anyone who has thrown a party knows that this always happens. Consequently, these four will be required by drinking rules to lose at least five of the first hands of poker they play during the night.

Looking at this mathematically,I have defined the variables and spelled out the equation below to help solve our problem.

Number of unexpected persons/things participating = (y) > 4
Amount of time = (t) = All freaking night
Alcohol type = (b) = Both beer and liquor, naturally

And of course,

Amount of alcohol needed to get 10 Mexicans drunk = (g)

Giving us this:

(((10 Hypothetical Mexicans)^payday) + 4) ((t x b)^rounds of shots) = g

After creating this equation, I decided that I needed to go to an expert on this to solve the formula. I needed someone who knows the ins and outs of both mathematics, formulas, and the general consumption of alcoholic beverages. As it happens, I know just the person. My buddy Reed not only is an engineer, but he also works at a liquor store. I ran the question by him and he did some work in his head. After a minute he had his results, "Hmmm, you're looking at eight or nine packs of Natty Light, three or four tall boys of Tecate, and half a pint of Seagrams Gin. That ought to do it. Wait, throw in a six pack of Coors Light. You wanted to get drunker than the ten Mexicans. Glad I could help, dude."

So what does all of this mean? It means that I wasted three hours of my life writing this and creating a worthless equation.On the other hand, Ryan if you are reading this you have our grocery list for the night. See you at six, dude!

T - C - You Suck: So what do SMU and BYU have in common? They both have ruined TCU's BCS hopes. I think a team that is supposed to be legit should get itself in order the next time they start toting BCS hopes. Moving on...

Drew's Date: Drew had a date last night where he planned to go out for root beer floats. I suggested that he then take her to the sock-hop, while Pat thought dancing to the jukebox might be a good idea. RT had this to say about it:

"10 bucks says he finished the night with a real zinger and ended up drinking the root beer float by himself. He then probably proceeded to get wasted and go back over to the girl's place where the real magic happened. He's an idiot."

No word on what actually happened, but I think its safe to say that if Drew wore a leather jacket and tight white t-shirt, there is no way any woman could resist his 1950's charm. Of course, this is the same guy who once fell asleep in a stairwell.

And the award for the most random and least informative text message: My roommate sent this to me as he was on his way to New Orleans for the Tulane game:

"For our food stop I decided to walk to Wendy's, and it was on fire."

Knowing Chad he most likely went in anyways. He's the kind of guy who would walk up to the counter as all the employees were running about in a panic and wait for someone to take his order for some chicken nuggets. Than he would add a, "oh, yeah and you're roof is on fire. In case you didn't know." He would then walk off happy about his purchase and think nothing of it for the rest of the day. Sometimes he is that odd.

More Drew: During last weekend's Pats-Broncos game, a Viagra commercial came on with a guy and his very attractive wife featured in the add. Drew looks up and says, "I don't understand it. How could you not be turned on with a wife that looked that hot? I mean how could you not be turned on?" Me and Patrick quickly exchanged glances if if to ask "is he serious?" We then explained the basics of impotence and how its not that your are not turned on, but its that...well, you can't keep any steam in the engine. Drew was quiet for a moment before he said something along the lines of, "that can happen?"

Sometimes I think Drew is just a figment of my imagination; a trick my mind is playing on me to make me feel smarter than I really am. Is it possible that he could have not known this? Regardless, I couldn't help but be disapointed that by telling him the truth about Viarga, me and Pat ruined a future scenario of Drew suffering from impotence and matter-of-factly telling his wife, "Well, I guess you just don't do it for me anymore. See ya!" I would pay to see that.

Pat, a working man: Let me be the first to congratulate Pat on his job as a teacher. He starts Monday. Those kids are doomed.

Have a good weekend.