A fool, nevermore

I need your attention. I think its time we all came together and put an end to this charade. I think the United States government has been trying to pull a fast one on us since 1729. Follow me here, I was watching last weeks MNF game between the Denver Broncos and the Baltimore Ravens when I started wondering about what type of people live in Baltimore? When I thought about it I came to a startling realization: I have no idea what type of people even live in Baltimore. Which led to the even more frightening thought; does Baltimore even exist?

Think about it.

Have you ever met someone from Baltimore? Have you ever been there? No you haven't. Never in my life have I met a human being from Baltimore, nor have I met anyone who has moved there. Furthermore, I propose that anyone who has 'moved' there is lying. Pictures? They're all just cardboard cut-outs like they use in the movies. Sure you can read all about this supposed city right here, but you can also read about such fictitious places like Atlantis, Shangri-La, and safe neighborhoods in Washington D.C.


I've been doing a little research on this and I have not been able to find one substantial piece of evidence towards Baltimore's existence. I mean come on, I refuse to believe in any city that has a place called Corned Beef Row in it, and I will not argue about that. Really, am I being too unreasonable here? I have spoken with friends, family, people I work with, and at least two strangers in the line at Subway that think I am absolutely crazy, but were unable to cite one person they have ever met anyone from this elusive city.

Why the charade then? Why pretend that there is an airport there? A football team? A baseball team? Humans? I have the answer. I propose that the city named after Lord Baltimore did indeed once exist, but was never actually rebuilt after the city burned in the Great Baltimore Fire in the early 1900's. In fact, we could even go further and say that the city may have met its final demise in Battle of Baltimore during the War of 1812. The point is, the good people of Maryland, and the United States government got together and had a little chat about what to do with this city. I am sure that at some point, they decided just cut their losses with their destroyed homes and move on. Ironically this behavior is still demonstrated today by birds, ants, and college students living in the dorms across the US.

The United States didn't want to be embarrassed, and just pretended that everything was all right and that the city was still there. Remember that scene in Monty Python and the Search for the Holy Grail where the Black Knight won't let King Arthur pass even though all of his limbs have been cut off? And he keeps saying that he's fine and that his arms and legs aren't actually lying on the ground next to him? Same principle. If you don't admit defeat, you will never lose; you'll only bleed to death in a pool of your own ignorance. There's a lesson here.

Maybe that's the truth. Maybe it's something else. Maybe it's that the government decided that it was kind of silly to have a city in a state that reminds me of a protractor. I guess this lie just snowballed until it became far too great for anyone to correct...probably in the same manner that Mel Gibson got exposed as an anti-Semite, and John Travolta got caught kissing his male nanny. Either way, the truth is out, and our world will never be the same.

And what am I basing this entire theory on?

Nothing really.