Fifty!

This column is a just another milestone in my Internet Mogul career. The words you are reading right now represent this fiftieth column/post I have written. Well, I guess I can't say that because there are a number of things I wrote, but after fighting with myself over their relevance and/or humor I decided not to post them. So, more correctly, this is the fiftieth column I have posted. That's not bad considering I really have only been doing this for two and a half months (April didn't count). Despite the frequency that these babies are churned out, people still complain to me when there isn't anything new on here. And it’s in the essence of these people's complaints that I give you today's column.

Before I throw it at you, let me say that work has been killer this week so creativity is running at premium these days, but I really like posting something for the weekend. I don't know why. Consequently, I couldn't think of any particular topic to write about, so I give you a column that is based pretty closely on an e-mail I sent today. In fact, its more or less, word-for-word. It's a story I wanted to put on here, but decided would be better served in an e-mail. Now this is happening...

"So today, I get on the elevator to go down to the lobby to buy a tasty egg, ham, and cheese breakfast burrito. I hop on the elevator only to find a rather tall lady riding it down to the first floor. She was black. I told you this because it makes it scarier later in the story. I get on the elevator and out of habit I hit "7" rather than "1" which she has already pressed (I spend a lot of time between seven and eleven so its just natural to hit seven). Well for some reason or another I get all paranoid about the fact that this lady and I are about to sit on this elevator as it stops on the seventh floor. For reasons unbeknownst to me, I decide that it is in my best interest to use a trick I know to solve this problem.

The trick is to press the elevator buttons really, really fast over and over again. Now, I know this doesn't sound like much, but let me tell you, it will reset the buttons and all would be well in the world. i.e. The elevator will not stop at seven and I can press "1" and we would be on our merry way (Like I said, I have no idea what possessed me to do this). So I say something garbled and panicked like "oh...no...wait...I..whoops...let me just...fix..." I think I was trying to convey the message that she need not worry, cuz I would fix this; as if she were worried about this to begin with. She starts to realize what’s going on and says kinda jokingly, but kinda not, "you're gonna make me stop on 7?" I come undone. I don't know what to do.

So now I am unreasonably panicked out of my mind for no reason and I frantically start pressing the buttons like I am woodpecker on meth. I think I was mumbling something like, "ok...this...will, wait...its gonna work...let me just..." About this time she says in a very authoritative voice, "stop that, or I am going to hit you." Needless to say, I stopped and waited there very meekly. We stood there as the doors opened on seven, saying nothing and feeling very awkward about what had just transpired in this six by six square of space. The rest of the ride down to the lobby wasn't any better. In fact, if uncomfortableness was a sound, I would now know what it sounded like.

I don't know if she was joking or not, but I realized that that moment was probably the most socially awkward and unjustifiable moment of temporary mental illness that I have ever encountered. "

The Rangers Whole Freakin' Organization: Good grief, the boys won 15-1 in Baltimore! That was pretty amazing considering Mark Texiera hit three home runs and drove in 7 RBI's. I hope Big Tex's power is back, if so he could be that bat they were looking for. Down at AA Frisco, the first baseman hit three jacks of his own. It’s a nice start to a long second half that will be tough to compete in. With all four teams trying to get a room in the coveted "First Place Apartment" the Rangers will need to play at a high tempo. No time to get lazy now. If they want to win this thing they are gonna half to play like a midget at a urinal, and keep on their toes.

Skipping Salsa: No real reason for this other than a funny text. We didn't go Salsa dancing last night because Liz was out of town and Jess and I were tired. My buddy, RT, on the other hand, was determined to go with some of the Cheerleading Camp Staff Members. Long story short, I got this message when I woke up:

"Dude...Those NCA girls were completely laundry basket last night..Waaaaaasted. I missed your smooth moves..."

Nothing like a message with a very questionable connotation to start your day.