Number 1!

That's right! For those of you who don't know, this site is now the number one link when searched on Google. I would like to thank all of you out there who have made my dream of becoming an internet mogul possible. I think Pat said it best when I told him of my recent success and he asked:

"Internet mogul or lazy worker?"

Maybe a little of both. On with the show...

Let me give a shout out to all of you who have made this climb to greatness possible. Exploding-high-five to each of the following...

Drew Ramsauer: He is my first true reader. I think Jenny actually checked out the site first and read my first humble post, (which you can read right here ), but Drew became my first daily reader. Furthermore, whenever I have stretched my mind for things to write about and find myself empty handed, Drew always seems to come through in the clutch by doing or saying something absurd, as illustrated by almost fifty percent of my posts. In fact, he's the only person who has forced me to go back and re-write an entire column so that he was included in a more comedic light. More importantly, he was my biggest fan in regards to this. His dedication to being made fun of for the sake of this website is inspiring. The best part is that he becomes overly distraught with himself when he fails at this. I swear he's just like Phillip Seymour Hoffman's character in Boogie Nights, only he's never tried to kiss me.

Legendary High School Swimmer Paul Kirk: Paul is one of the few who have left comments on my site. But, more importantly, he offered me the hope to keep churning out columns and posts when I felt like giving up. He let me know that what I was doing was good and that my work was reaching as far as the Cuyahoga River area of Ohio. In return for his relentless support, I viciously made fun of him for working at an animal shelter cleaning up cat poo. Even trade. To be honest though, I did appreciate what he did at the animal shelter, it was a very noble thing to do for minimum wage. Paul's dedication and love for animals can only be described as touching and borderline creepy. In fact, lets forget I even brought it up.

Melissa Jordan: Melissa is the first person to...well, I don't know if I'd call it "criticize" me, but she went emo on me in a comment (which you can see here if you scroll down to the bottom). Don't get mad, Mel, I appreciate all comments and I'm not making fun of you. I swear. But, I wrote that piece as a joke, and she just ambushed me with words that, well, I'm sure are true to some extent. Regardless, that whole thing was like the final scene in Return of the Jedi where Luke Skywalker is telling Darth Vader that there is still good left in him while the Emperor is electrocuting him something vicious. I can only imagine me turning over a new leaf and saving her after hearing her words, and then telling her to leave me on the Death Star as I lay mortally wounded:

Melissa: "I have to save you!"
Me (hardly able to speak): "You already have."

By the way, what would be the real world equivalent of this? Like could we be mountain climbing and this scenario work? I'm just not sure. I think I can imagine a scenario from the river trip that might work; with me rescuing her raft or something, and then I get left behind with only the beer. Or worse, without the beer. Maybe this is just one of those things that only works in outer space. Maybe we should just move on...

Cassie Thiessen: For calling me ridiculously long-winded and pointless. Compliment taken.

Plant/Unicycle Man: Along with Drew, Unicycle Man is one of the patron saints of this site. He is the rock on which my foundation is built. His tomfoolery has been my crutch when there are no sports, and he always inspires me to write something when I see him. If you are not familiar with these adventures, just click here. He will never know what he has done for this site. I gave him a quiet salute as he, literally, just walked right in front of me. Shudder.

(Side Note: So, Unicycle Man is, indeed, here at the office today, and he has a sidekick! I thought that I had stopped this travesty when Jeffrey left, but apparently my deeds have not had the consequence I intended. This new minion, patrols the office with him like a watch dog. I'm not even kidding. She looks around very attentively looking for any plant to water that may go unnoticed otherwise. Her attention to details is frightening. If she is this diligent, who knows how crafty and guileful she could become under his tutelage. She looks like a female version of Milton from Office Space, only she is has no need for a stapler, only a plant humidistat and a watering bucket. Honestly, I would find this whole thing hilarious if I wasn't so creeped out. The battle between unicycles and the belief that they are most definitely uncool rages on.

Oh, and Unicycle Man, himself, has made a change to his outward appearance, and its not for the better. While he did actually comb (?) his hair today (ok, I can't say that. Its more of just fashioned, if you will), he has added a distinctive white skunk patch to the very front of his bangs. I guess he's become the Jay Leno of Plant Guys who ride unicycles. I don't know what to make of this, but I'm sure it can't be good. Honestly, I'm getting scared.)

Anonymous: This goes to that guy that keeps leaving comments, though appreciated, but doesn't put his or her name on them; and I have no frickin clue who you are! I will get you, buddy. Rest assured. I have just one thing to say to you, Anonymous: You, sir, are a coward.

My Mother: In retrospect, I have no idea why I even told my mother about this site because, in good conscience, it has limited what I could write up here without feeling like a failure of a son. But that's neither here nor there. The reason I have to thank my mother is that once she started reading my site she would call me with her opinion about my writing. Not even the subject matter, she would correct me on my writing style and point out when I got too ranty; never once mentioning any of the drunken stories that I had written. It was kinda like when you have a really old relative visiting and they do or say something completely out of line and not a soul reacts. This is usually something racist or a bodily noise at the dinner table. Regardless, everyone just acts like it didn't happen and hides his or her horrified looks from each other. And it just sits there in the room like a big white elephant while everyone tries to just move past it and eat their meatloaf. That's a little like how it feels to have my mom lecture me about my writing style without touching on any of the glaring stories. Ok, maybe not that bad, but you get the idea.

(Side Note: What is with this office I work at? Some guy from the eighth floor just came up looking for batteries and was asking me for them in voice that I can only describe as ....as....I can't even describe it. It was cartoony or...well; it was terrible, lets leave it at that. That's not even the worst part. HIS desk is littered with little stuffed animal frogs. Frogs! Am I as weird as everybody else here or am I the only sane one? Don't answer that. I swear, even Mugatu from Zoolander didn't deal with characters like these. I feel like I'm taking crazy pills!)

Well, there are more of you out there that are critical to writing this, but I can't mention all of you. But I did want to do a throw away column by thanking all of you rather than having to come up with something on my own. I also wanted to add that the Mavericks had a huge part of this so far, so hands up for them. Along those lines, with the Mavs out of the playoffs, I am running out of steam on things to write. I will do my best to keep at least a post every weekday, but no guarantees. I would rather swallow my tongue for two or three days than throw some crap up here that isn't funny or important to me in some way.

Ok, I better get back to work now. Just remember: Together, we achieved.