Semper Fi, Pluto

DATELINE--UNIVERSE

It is a very historic, yet sad day in the Milky Way. The battle of good versus evil was ended today when astronomers in Prague met to determine the official definition of "planet" (click here for the story). The scientists voted over two proposals. The first would broaden the scope of what could be called a planet. Under this proposal three new planets would be added to the solar system, bringing the total to twelve. Instead, the other, more sinister, proposal won. The new definition of planet removes smaller celestial bodies, and ones that do not travel in circular orbits from being defined as planets. What does this all mean? Adios, to our old friend Pluto. He has been stripped of his planetary status on this sad August day.

It is mildly cloudy in Dallas today, echoing the world's sentiment of being mildly heartbroken. We have only known Pluto since 1930, but I can't help but feel melancholy about this because I have the sneaky feeling he was bullied into it. This is like when I was a little kid and I loved WWF wrestling. I remember that sometimes, the champion would get stripped of his title for some reason, making me sad, but very suspicious of goings on behind the scenes.

(This was usually because the champ was injured in real life, but the WWF would create some wildly imaginative story line that would explain his absence and take his championship belt away. Setting up the eventual battle between two guys to determine who was the real champion between the former champ and the one who currently held the belt. Gotta love wrestling.)

I always felt as if the real champ had been cheated out of what he earned. (I should mention that I also felt that they were really fighting, and that The Undertaker was really a dead guy.) The point is, I feel about as sad as I did for those wrestlers as I do for Pluto. I mean did anyone really like him that much? Did anyone ever choose him as his or her favorite planet? Anyone? It was always Earth and Mars, or Saturn and Jupiter. Even Venus got a few raised hands. Pluto didn't even have a circular orbit. Poor, poor Pluto. I feel as if we took you for granted.

(On the other hand, think of the repercussions of this. Science books now have to be rewritten. And what's worse is the little third graders who will undoubtedly lose faith in their teachers and all humanity when they discover that the nine planets they just learned about are an absolute lie. Think of it? What mnemonic device are they going to use now that Pluto is gone? 'Mary Vincent Eats Many Jelly Sandwiches Under Nancy's Porch' no longer works. Where is she eating her sandwiches then? We need to know this!

But here is what is interesting, what if a little kid just failed a science test for putting '8' as the number planets on a question three days ago? What do you do? Does he get a one hundred now? I think he does. How could you argue with him? I'd give it to him based on his prophetic abilities alone, but that's just me. And yet, I digress...)

In retrospect, it seems like maybe we should have taken a bit more time to get to know Pluto before he left us. Good people of Earth, do me a favor, hold your loved ones close tonight and reflect on all the good memories of Pluto, and before you lay your head down, say a little prayer for him and his three moons. These fleeting moments are all we have left. Fear not though, remembering his icy geology, his oblong orbit, and his crazy tendency to sometimes be the farthest away form the sun but not always, should give us some condolence for the seventy-six good years he gave us. We'll miss you, buddy. Semper Fi.