Brick, where'd you get a hand grenade? (Memorial Day Weekend Madness!)

Weekend was just crazy on all fronts. I think some of you can attest to this. I know that I've had a night that is filled with substances that my body doesn't need when I walk from my apartment at 3:30 am leaving Reed and a lady there so I can go over to Pat's, only to be found later by Reed face-down on the floor at 5 or 6 am. Let's just say that a person needs some Jack in the Box after that. Consequently, I slept till 6 pm the next day, and didn't get any posts up. I thought about putting up an archived post, but then I remembered that no one reads this site. Paul summed this up on my facebook wall:

Viddy, I must say that you put in an incredible amount of effort into your blog to have it be seen by 8 people. Also, I'm home sick from work today, and I still think I accomplished more by shaving this morning than you accomplish at your job.

Thanks, bud. Appreciate all the love. I guess I didn't need to include the last part, but I figure that he's right. Second, why did you get up and shave on a sick day? I will never understand you.

Also, I want to give a shout out to Paul who is home sick today from work (SURPRISE!). Not sure what you do, something with computers or whatever, but I'm sure work is missing you the way I miss Sex in the City being on the air.


Weekend also featured some interesting moments. I think my two favorites were Chad having his ID stolen by a friend of his girlfriend. What's even worse is that he predicted it. There is nothing worse than handing something to someone and then uttering the words, "I'm never going to see that again. Am I?" Well, Chad, congrats on being right.

The other tidbit I liked was Reed parading around that same night as his basketball alter-ego "Dork" Nowitski. Chad suggested "Dark" Nowitzki due to Reeds dark hair, but i think "Dork" is far more fitting. All kidding aside though, Reed, you Dirk hair was phenomenal. But that’s neither here nor there.

The big issue today is the success of the Mavs and Rangers. Two weeks ago, both the Mavs and Rangers lost on the same day, both Reed and me agreed that we were on a 24-hour suicide watch. Since then, both teams have won on the same day two out of three times. That's enough to make you give your nearest and most bestest friend an exploding high five. Which, consequently, we are going to do right now!!!!

The other thing I wanted to mention was the buzz around Dallas about the Mavs. I have never seen this city like this. Everywhere you go someone is talking about the series. Its really getting me pumped about it. And, thus, we have some Mav's links up in yo face!

On to the links.....

--http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1fqN7q4TM4o&search=Dallas%20Mavericks%20Josh%20Howard%20Avery%20Johnson-- Avery stars in Raiders of the lost Trophy. I think just watching how well the Avery face fits in with Harrison Ford's body is pretty cool,
especially as he leaps out of the way of the giant basketball.

--http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kp4CIFfbJZU&search=dallas-- A movie that the Mav's promoed as The Avery Bunch. Song is lame, video is lame, editing is lame, but waiting around for the part where "and Mark Cuban as The Owner" makes me shout with joy. By the way, wouldn't it suck to have ownership that doesn't give a crap....thank god I'm not a Warriors fan. I would have drowned myself in the tub by now.

--http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dcaVVcKI2E8&search=steve%20and%20dirk%20singing --I have to be honest, I have no clue what Dirk and Nash are singing here, but I'm sure its ridiculous. I don't know what they are singing because I have no speakers on my computer here at work. That comes from spending all day watching stuff like the "exploding high five" at my desk. There's a lesson here.

--http://www.blogger.com/post-edit.g?blogID=26417354&postID=114901704467621337-- Here is the Dirk/Nash song again, but it has an explanation with it. I swear that when I saw that video I predicted that it was Gordon's guitar, and guess what? I was right. You're just gonna have to trust me on this one.

Mavs win in a shocker!

Daily Links

Wow, you really can't say much more about the Mavs-Spurs series that hasn't been said. But I'll leave it with this: We just witnessed the two 60 win teams unload on each other in the middle of the ring. When the dust settled it came down to a missed bunny shot from Duncan. You really can't get much closer than that. Still referring to the Spurs, let me say one thing about Ginobli. While he is a terrific player, I still demand that he stops flopping like he's playing soccer. I mean is this just in his South American blood or is he a special specimen? Seriously, Manu, man up and play some ball. I really like both of these upcoming series, but I think Detroit should handle Miami. Not that I don’t think Miami could win, but it will come down to their perimeter players. I see Dallas being able to handle PHX, but their wild-ass style of basketball could win them a game or two.

One other quick note: I got this text message today from a buddy:
I have one thing to say to Tim Duncan. Diop it like its hot, Diop it like its hot.
Not much more you can say about that...Unless you count the voicemail saying the exact same thing. Sometimes I can see why Texas fans are made fun of.

--http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Crab_people-- Reason #432 why Wikipedia is the greatest site on the internet, bar none

--http://sportsillustrated.cnn.com/2006/more/05/22/alcatraz.swim.ap/index.html-- Story about a 7 year old who swam from Alcatraz Island to shore in the San Francisco Bay. When I was 7, swimming across 50 degree, shark infested water was not on my to-do list. I was more concerned with figuring a way to ride my bike off my diving board into the pool without getting grounded for it. This kid's dad could be the Earl Woods of swimming, but more insane. Can we say emancipated minor?

--http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wUHIfOicCbU-- Video of Avery "accidentally" racking Josh Howard during last night's game. This video is proof that talking trash to any Maverick will put your ability to bear children in danger.

--http://www.lazertheband.com/home.html-- All the way from Germany its the Mavs's unofficial band, Lazer! The songs are kinda catchy, but the best is the butchered grammar in the FAQ section.
Q: Why does Lazër wearing a Speedos for show?
A: It is bad question. Lazër is wearing a Speedos for everythings, not show only.
This site will inform you on all things Laser "that is confident." Truth be told, I do feel dumber for checking this site out, and a few people here at work now think I'm gay.

Jump on it!

Anyone who has ever been to a club with me and Beau and been lucky enough to hear this song, has seen us do this.

The best damn lobster you've ever seen!

"What am I?"

So I hear Beau is gonna work at Sea World.......

"Want some fish, big guy?"

And then, he was dead.....

Pimp My Segway

Mavs got screwed by the NBA. That's all I have to say......

--http://www.niggaknow.com/--(Chad, from OH) Chad sent me this today and its possibly the funniest thing I have ever read. Dude, just goes off on random stuff. Scroll down and read what he has to say. I don't know whats funnier, his rant on how black bears want to have sex with white polar bears or his conspiracy theory on Segways. What is for sure is that there are two universial truths stated when he said, "You know a nigga can't resist the ability to put spinners on anything, but I be DAMNED if any self respecting black mans is ever gonna be seen on the great white nerd chariots." I applaud you for you boldness. Keep fighting the good fight!

--http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=R0aiAgAbE-o&search=cubs%20urinal-- All those east Coast MLB teams have fans that talk trash about how they are so die-hard. Well, say what you want about Ranger's fans, but there is a reason the Cub's haven't won a World Series since the world was still in black and white. Here's a hint: that's not a slip-n-slide he's playing in.

--http://sports.espn.go.com/nba/playoffs2006/news/story?id=2450839-- Funny article about how Avery Johnson told the Mavs to grab the opponents' nuts rather than punch them in order to avoid being suspended. Nice backhanded jab at the NBA, but the best part of the article is the jabbing between Cuban and Popovich; in which Cuban makes fun of the River Walk only to have Popovich attempt to come back by delivering an utterly confusing line that misses the target completely. Popovich then stared at his acne-scared face in the mirror and sobbed while repeatedly whimpering, "I'm such an idiot!" to himself.

--http://www.faiththedog.net/index.asp-- I've seen Faith the dog on TV and it creeps me out in every sense of the word. I don't care if this is a heart warming story, I would run if I saw it "walking" towards me. Gordon summed it best by describing it as "the stuff nightmares are made of." Agreed.

--http://www.sky.com/skynews/picture_gallery/picture_gallery/0,,70141-1218007-2,00.html-- Not sure what President Bush is talking about, mainly because I refuse to believe the caption. I kinda hope he is saying something along the lines, of "We HAVE FOUND the weapons of mass destruction." The lady would then snatche the item out of his hands and uncomfortably walk to a bathroom stall.

--http://youtube.com/watch?v=M8pR1rZZHEs&search=crazy%20german%20kid-- Teresa was disturbed by this, but anyone who has played Dynasty Mode on NCAA Football knows exactly what this kid is going through. Allowing more than 3 points against Baylor is just unaccetpable in my book.

Always low prices. Always

I was sent to go pick some stuff up from Wal-Mart during work yesterday. As I walked in, a familiar sign greeted me. Outside it said, "Eye Exams, $39.99." Now I have seen some variation of this at most Wal-Marts, but suddenly I realized something: I've never been quite comfortable with the fact that Wal Mart gives eye exams. I mean, what is qualifying them to give medical examinations. I don't trust the goings-on in Wal Mart enough to leave my cart alone for three seconds, let alone let an employee probe my eyes for a vision diagnosis. Plus, they edit all their CD's and that just sucks.

--http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YdAIt4MgnHc-- Commercial for a prototype toy called the Oozinator. Not sure who didn't see what was horribly wrong with this toy. But I think if I were a parent and my son's friend brought this over, I would close all the blinds and start looking on-line for known sex offenders in the neighborhood.

--http://youtube.com/watch?v=cQIwT4PdRa4&search=news%20blooper-- How do you take a blind man's accomplishments of climbing a mountain and shatter them over your knee? Call him gay on national TV.

--http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=6640225987281635407&q=punch&pl=true-- "So, you're the one who took Murder She Wrote off the air. I've been looking for you a long time. This is gonna feel so good."

--http://parks.ky.gov/stateparks/bb/-- Tourette's sufferer’s must have named this park. Although, I must say that this more than justifies the term "Gettin Lucky in Kentucky."

--http://www.chucknorrisfacts.com/page1.html-- What was going through the minds of all of Chuck Norris' victims before they died? His shoe.

Thanks, Chief!

The CEO was walking down the halls a bit earlier and we crossed paths. I opened not one, but two doors for him. This is what transpired:

Me (opening doors): Hey Monty! What's going on?

CEO: Hey!......Thanks, Chief!

It's a cold hard slap to the face when you realize that you're a nobody to someone and they have to resort to nicknames because they don't know your name. I'm gonna go cry in the bathroom stall.

Daily Links + Quick Hits= Crazy Delicious (UPDATED!)

Getting the links ready for today because its another boring day at work, while i am pumping myself up for the Mavs game tonight. Wait...My boss just walked by me. She looked at me, laughed, and said, "Yes, I'm eating a big pickle." Unintentional sexual innuendo in the office is the best!

Some notes about last night......

I watched a good portion of the Rangers game last night and was loving it. Its always great to see your team go up 9-0 on the Yankees. I love seeing those Yankee fans getting all pissy. And there is nothing worse than blowing that lead and losing 13-12 in the bottom of the ninth inning. Dixie summed it up in a voicemail that said, "What an atrocity. It's not good that I live on the second floor, because I had one foot over the edge for the rest of the night."

Watching the Suns win in overtime was really cool even though I am openly rooting for the Clippers. I think it’s a better match up for the Mavs and I find it hard to root against a guy like Chris Kaman. I mean come on, if Dauber from the sit-com Coach and Terry Bradshaw had a child together and left him on a doorstep in rural West Virginia, Chris Kaman would be the result. Can't you just see the Clips making the finals and Bradshaw running onto the court after a game winning shot as the two embrace for the first time? Is there anyway we can make this happen?

I can't sum up what it is about the Sun's that I don't like. Maybe its because they remind me of the Sacto Kings a few years back, or maybe its because they knocked the Mavs out of the playoffs a year ago. Maybe I'm just jealous that Nash left Dallas to go there. Regardless, my buddy Pat may have said it best in this text message:

The more I watch of the Suns, the more I dislike them. For a team with a history of underachieving, they and their fans are really cocky. Go Clippers!

I think Pat is right on the money. Phoenix and their fans, much like Sacramento, are starting to get on my bad side.

Part of me can't see the Spurs letting tonight's game slip away, but at the same time I can't see Avery letting the Mavs get unfocused. My prediction.....ummm pass. On the other hand, I don't think that there is any way Detroit loses tonight to the Cavs. After allowing Cleveland to win two more games than they thought, and getting embarrassed by Rasheed's guarantee I predict a double-digit win. Of course I hope I am wrong on this prediction. Kinda like when I was absolutely positive that someone was in my apartment; prompting me to freak out and maraud through it with a machete looking for any sign of danger, hoping my roomate wouldn't unsuspectingly jump out of a closet. I think it was best for everybody that I was wrong on that one.

--http://news.yahoo.com/s/usatoday/cubanismadaboutmavericksmovies--Interesting article about Mavs owner Mark Cuban's interest in producung movies. Not sure what is being implied when his partner describes him as not "the average mortal human being" in respect to his time and passion put into the Mavs and his production company. When asked, Cuban pulled a top hat out of thin air, he then, cocked his head and winked as he dissappeared into a whirling puff of smoke.

--http://sports.yahoo.com/nba/news;_ylt=AnyXQbOUO1bUGf1CEtxbHjo5nYcB?slug=ap-knicks-brown&prov=ap&type=lgns-- Knicks Coach Larry Brown says he refuses to be bought out from his "dream job" depite being having lost the confidence of the entire organization. This sounds a little too much like that one friend everybody has who starts dating a really hot chick and is completely miserable with her. He hates being with her because she embarasses him in front of his friends, not to mention the fact that she's cheating him anyway, but for some reason he keeps ignoring her threats of leaving him and will not allow it to happen for no reason other than the fact that he has always wanted this girl. These things always end up looking like a train wreck.

--http://www.tronguy.net/--Apparently Milton from Office Space was forced to move his desk once again. This time he went from the basement of Initech to the 1980's Disney movie, Tron. Check out his pictures and wallpaper. Why does this guy create and wear faux Tron costumes? Because someone has to.

--http://sports.espn.go.com/nba/playoffs2006/news/story?id=2447655-- For some its We Will Rock You, for others Some T.I. might get them pumped. Back in high school I always listened to Enter Sandman right before a game. For Dirk its David Hasselhoff. This means only one thing: Dirk is very, very German.

http://www.dallasnews.com/sharedcontent/dws/dn/latestnews/stories/051706dnmetmuffins.49cc00be.html
-Best senior prank ever! Somewhere a stoner is nodding in approval.

--http://www.nbc.com/Video/videos/snl_1432_narnia.shtml--This video needs no introduction as most of you have seen it, but let me just say one thing. Using the term "They call me Aaron Burr, I'm dropping so many Hamiltons" is only funny to Political Science and History Majors...and I am one of them. I've also learned that if you watch this enough times at work, they'll take away your speakers.

Yes, you can.......

Mavs quick hits!

Mavs Quick Hits all up in yo face

--Devin Harris is a stud, and so is Jason Terry. I am pumped about this series.

--It's great to see Tim Duncan getting so pissed off near the end of the game due to officiating. Let me say this, Its not the refs that are the problem, its the match-ups. The Spurs have a guy that can cover Dirk, Josh Howard, and Devin Harris. the only problem is its the same guy, Bowen. Complaining about refs is a losers way of not being able to deal with a superior team. Deal with it, Duncan.

--If I see one more commercial for TNT's "The Closer" I will put my head in the oven.

-- I am getting real tired of watching Ginobli land on the floor and get up with that "where's the call look on his face every time someone brushes up against him in this series. Its time to man up. Manu Ginobli, I have one thing to say to you, "You, sir, are a coward."

--Nothing makes me happier than listening to Spur's fans crying about the refs. For the first time, its the kids from the other side of the street with the better team and now they need a reason to justify losing. I know that its exactly what the Mav's did for the last six seasons, but its still feels good to see Spur's fans getting their feathers all ruffled up.

--I am convinced that Jerry Stackhouse is single handedly trying to ruin the Mavs season. In game one he steps back to let the defender on him and takes an ill advised three at the buzzer to lose the game when he could have shot an 8 footer. In game three he not only shoots a jump shot with 7 seconds left that would have given the spurs too much time left on the clock, but he missed it too. Then to add insult to injury the guy is told to intentionally miss a free throw and doesn't hit the rim, giving the spurs the ball on the side. If I were in high school and a guy missed the rim when he was told to intentionally miss a free throw we would have laughed at him; Stack is a ten year vet! This is making me grouchy. In fact, if this was profesional wrestling Stack would have already cold-cocked Dirk during some crucial free throws and ripped off his uniform to reveal a spurs jersey with Marv Albert screaming "Wait a minute! Good God, he's a Spur! Jerry Stackhouse is a San Antonio Spur!"

Drew "The Human Monsoon" Ramsauer

Drew used to brag how his hometown of Avon, Connecticut was the third safest town in America until he goes home and then it drops to number four. In that respect, Patrick posed this question last night while at Pluckers: Is there any coincidence that as soon as Drew goes back to Connecticut, they declare a state of emergency there?

I think we all know the answer to that.

Daily Links....Brokeback style (UPDATED!!!)

No real particular reason for this one.

--http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m8YdFkVuthI&search=brokeback%20squadron--Top Gun II: Brokeback Squadron. That's right, Top gun was a chickflick in disguise, and I will always believe it. Not that there is anything wrong with singing, "You've Lost that Loving Feeling" in a bar with Drew.

--http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NrUb6dF5xCA&search=brokeback%20to%20the%20future--Brokeback To the Future. First Parkinson's Disease, now we are making him gay? Wow, Michael J. Fox just can't catch a break.

--http://www.ejbdotcom.net/pages/Brokeback_Yankees.html-- Chokeback Yankees. Despite how much disdain I have for Alex "Purple Lips" Rodriguez, he has always seemed kinda....off. This is more than justified.

--http://www.collegehumor.com/movies/1690550/--Brokeback by the Bell. I always believed that the furthest Zach Morris ever got with Kelly Kapowski was first base. I may have been way off.

--http://www.thesmokinggun.com/mugshots/stappmug1.html--Possibly the gayest of them all. This is a mugshot of former Creed frontman, Scott Stapp after he was arrested for drunken driving back in February. I am willing to bet that moments before he was taken into custody, he just went bezerk, posing with his arms out and ripping his shirt until we get what you see here.

All up in my Kool-Aid

So this past Thursday evening I went to Industry Bar for a little bit of happy hour with my co-workers. This night took a strange turn when one of the accountants, Nakita, showed up. He happens to be a gay black guy and he shows it. Man is he black and man is he gay. Anyways, long story short, he is talking with me and Teresa and comments on her ass. "Baby, you got ass that would make a black man scream, too bad for me." Well this scene goes on for a bit when suddenly he brings up men's asses and comments on my buddy Alex's "non-existent" butt. He then goes on to say that I lack one too. Now, I wish I could say that I didn't care what this gay guy had to say about my behind, but I felt it was my duty to defend my honor.

Now let me say something in my own defense, since I started working out again, my pants size has dropped like 3 inches, so all of my work slacks are a bit loose. Consequently, the bum does not always make quite the impression it should because the pants hide it ( I know, I really shouldn't care....but dammit, that's a personal attack!). Regardless, I kindly explained this to him and stood defiantly with my arms crossed. Well, this prompted him to offer this little line, "Prove it," as a grin flashed across his face. That's when I reevaluated what was going on. I realized I was on the brink of something horrible and quickly dropped the subject all together. I went home feeling like I had just leap out of the way of a life-altering bullet. The whole ordeal is one of the gayest things I have ever been a part of, and that's probably saying a lot. Now Nikita gives me that frightening same smile everyday at work and I can't help but feel like a fly caught in the net of a very gay spider.

On to the links......
--http://livedigital.com/content/1381/u115--It's a warm spring morning as you walk up a hill back to your apartment in downtown San Francisco. The birds are chirping, the sun is warm, and you cannot possibly think of anything that could ruin your day. Suddenly.......

--http://sports.yahoo.com/nhl/recap;_ylt=AvEYqLGl9PKCpOLn5s8Opl97vLYF?gid=2006051418-- You know, when Sgt. Slaughter became a bad guy back during the first gulf war, I always booed him and the Iraqi flag and music he represented, but that was because we were in the midst of a war. This? I just don't get this. Its like going home for Thanksgiving only to find that your loser brother got a real job so you mash him over the head with the cranberry sauce in front of grandma. Wars have been started for less. Thank God, it's only Canada.

--http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Chewbacca_defense--This is why Wikipedia is by far the coolest site on the web, bar none. I will not argue about this.

--http://www.gunthernet.com/--Like the Arctic Monkies, this European is gonna tear up the charts while not forgeting about his goal to "sexualize the world." Enter the world of Gunther.

--http://sports.espn.go.com/mlb/news/story?id=2440983--An Angels fan sues over a Mother's Day promotion at the ballpark, in which he did not get a "Mother's Day Tote Bag" due to his gender. What do you think his friends thought after the team compensated him by sending four tote bags to his home? Can't you just see this guy trying to make his case with his buddies while they stand with their arms crossed, shaking their heads in disgust? I bet this is the same guy who argues with the people at Starbucks for not putting enough sprinkles on his Peppermint Mocha Frappichino. They need to make a "Real Men of Genius" about these kinds of guys. Honestly, if this were one of my friends I might not talk to him ever again.

From The Archives: MIRMS

Ok, as promised here is one of the old Milwuakee's Best write ups. If you don't know who Team Milwuakee's Best is then you're in for a treat. I hope. The rest of you just sit back and enjoy the memories. This is the original "MIRM Awards" from football season this year after we lost the championship game. All of these columns will appear in their original and unedited form so forgive the grammar, and prepare for some TMB Football jumpin' all over yo bones.

Ok guys, with the close of the flag football season I decided that I wanted to do one more write-up coulmn. Instead of talking about how TMB was utterly overmatched by the Sex Panthers (60% of the time they win everytime), I decided to do the first ever Moment I Remember Most Awards (MIRM). I could have written a best/worst column, or even a write-up of the best plays we made, but thats not how I will remember the season. The way I remember it was a collection of funny, sad, and otherwise jaw-dropping moments on and off the field. So with this in mind, I have made a collection each player's moments that I will remember long after the season is over. This may be a two-part column due to time constraints.

With that out of the way, I determined each person's MIRM based on a number of factors. The First was longevity. Will I always remember this? That elminates most good plays in non-crucial games. That in mind, a play in an unimportant game can be awarded a MIRM if it was special enough. Second, the moment had to make my jaw drop in a good or bad way. This means that plays or even moments that made usa ll just wonder 'what the hell is going on? all qualify.' Finally, the last criteria was importance. If a player made a big play in a big game, its most likely gonna be mentioned. Ok, here is my one warning: Not everyone's MIRM is a great play, but its something that we all joked about, so dont take offense if you dont like your award, cuz no one remebers your third TD score against the band, but we do remember when you completely lost it and had to be strapped down....now thats a MIRM!

On to the awards.......

Patrick "The Old Grey Wolf" Lyons: WHEN PAT ABSOLUTLEY LOST IT AFTER I CRITICIZED HIS FOUTH AND GOAL BAD SNAP IN THE LOSS TO PHI DELT. This was by far the easist MIRM to pick. Who doesnt remember Pat just throwing the fit of fits and storming off the field while tearing his jersey off like the wolfman during a full moon? Wasn't everyone just kinds staring in disbelief? I'm not sure what was better, his temper tantrum or the way he stayed around prowling the sidelines, cursing under his breath. What makes this the winner is that it just came out of nowhere. This is Pat's Tyson-Holyfield moment, everything changed after this. HONORABLE MENTION: PAT LOSING IT IN THE CHAMPIONSHIP AFTER THE BLOWN TD CALL; THREE TD GAME AGAINST BAND (there are you happy?).

Bryan Rodriguez: RED ZONE INTERCEPTION AGAINST THE FOUNDATION IN SEMI-FINALS. Another simple choice. Big game, bigger play. Up by two with the oppenent driving, Brian comes out of nowhere to grab the ball with a little more than one min remaining. If there has ever been someone apoitomized by one outstanding play, its this one. This is your legacy, Bryan, NFL players have made careers off lesser plays (see Ex-Cowboy Larry Brown). In the glow of this play your 15 min will never be up.

J.D. "Hands" White: JD'S FIRST GAME. this game introduced the world to the decoy of all decoys, JD White. Double covered all day, JD was held scoreless no matter how many times he was thrown the ball. I mean time after time he just kept dropping it. This game also featured JD interecptiong two passes and almost blowing three others. has there ever been more of a hit-or-miss guy than JD? Of course there has. Chase was much more erradic last season in softball, but for now JD holds the coveted title. HONORABLE MENTION: JD's GOD-AWFUL TIMING ON ALL OF HIS JUMPS TO INTERECPT THE BALL; DROPPING THE AWARDED GAMEBALL.

Ryan "The Truth/RT" Trimball: AMAZING OFF-THE-GROUND INTERCEPTION. This was quite a play. With the WR coming across the field I stepd up to try for a pick, but was going to be late. The wr, however, bobbles the ball backwards over my left shoulder and into the hands of RT. He scoops it off the ground and runs towards the endzone, and laterals it for a touchdown. Great play that maybe only one other player on our team could have made. Just amazing, and it broke the game open...i believe it was the first playoff game. Clutch for a seasoned vet, he like the Brian Mitchell or Dave Megget of intramurals.

P.J. "Slash" Torres: 1ST GAME OF THE SEASON WHERE PJ THREW FOR A COUPLE OF TDS, THEN CAUGHT ANOTHER COUPLE ALONG WITH LIKE 10 EXTRA POINTS. This was the "wow" moment of the year. With plenty of QB's at the helm, PJ lined up at Wr and showed his ability to make plays. This was like watching Kordell Stewart in his first season....just his first, he sucked after that! Pj is hard to select MIRMS for cuz he just gets it done, and makes it look easy in the process, but lets not forget his mis-play in left field in softball-just tragic. HORORABLE MENTION: AMAZING PICK IN THE GAME WHER ALL THOSE GUYS WOULD STARTE CHEERING WHEN THEY DID BAD OR GOOD CUZ WERE WERE KILLING THEM-HE GRABBED THIS ONE OFF THE PEBBELS.

Chad "The Lost Child" Chokel: WALKING OFF THE FIELD AT HALFTIME WITH JOEL BECAUSE THEY WERE LATE. This was a hard one to choose. And i know chad will hate me for picking this one, so I have nothing more to say about this. HONORABLE MENTION: CHAD ACTUALLY GETTING AN INTERCEPTION; SACK IN SEMI-FINALS AGAINST FOUNDATION IN THE CLOSING SECONDS TO SECURE TRIP TO CHAMPIONSHIP; CHADS "STATUE LEGS" WHEN THE BALL IS IN THE AIR.

"Chest Bumpin" Chase: THE PLUMMER 'STACHE. Nice to have an easy chocie again. I will always remember Chase randomly showing up with a child molester mustache to play. This was a thing of beauty. Its greatess made me forget about chase's game with three td's. No athletic feat or accomplishment could overcome this bit of socially uncomfrtable facial hair. Just breath-taking. HONORABLE MENTION: THE HOGAN MUSTACHE THE FOLLOWING WEEK.Well, I think that I am going to go to lunch here soon, so that will be part 1 of the MIRM's. Part 2 still to come....hey, and i am open to feedback....so if you write you might get to add some input.\

Part II

Well, guys I had written out the entire secind part before i lost it....and let me say: that sucks. I will try to write this again, but my heart is really not into it becasue I cant remember what i wrote.

But, lets try this again:"Guess what? I've got a fever, and the only perscription is more cowbell!"
Here's your damn cowbell:

Quick note: Pat's MIRM (when he went Ken Shamrock on the world after his bad snap), is the award winner for the "Willie Loman/Death of A Sales Man" Award for most uprooting and domestically abusive act towards loved ones. Picture him as a disgruntled Willie and me as a confrontaional and defiant Biff. That was a moment that showed his absolute dissatisfaction with life and everything in the world came to an ugly head on the middle of the field.

Pat/Willie: That's it! I hate being center and a sales man. I run this house but no one respects me, dammit!

brian/Biff: I was only kidding, and you cant control me anymore, I'm grown now. you cant get mad when i do stuff like this, but we're on your side remember this.

Pat/Willie: Dont tell me what I can and cant do!

Brian/biff: cant you see that you're killing yourself! Why are you leaving? You cant just walk away from your problems and your family! YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THIS!

-Just a fine moment that would make Aurther Miller Proud.

(I know that many of you have no idea what I'm talking about, but its ok Chad. It was an allusion to a theatre production, that you may or may not have pretended to read in high school.)on with the show.......

Ryan "Shorts/Cryin' Ryan" Amos: WHEN HE WHINED AND CRIED LIKE A GIRL AFTER I DIDNT MENTION SOME OF HIS PLAYS FROM A MEANINGLESS GAME. This was close call becasue It may not be what many of you remember about Amos, but I certainly do. Who would have thought that He could sink to the same level that T. O. was on at the exact same time? When you think about it, Ryan is pretty much is just like TO, except Ryan isnt Tall. Or Athletic. Or Fast. Or an NFL player. Or black. But he does carry himself with an undeserving sense of accomplishment, much like TO does. I really wanted to award Ryan's MIRM as the day he brought Jeff to play with us, but that was more of an MVP type of thing, and I figured he might get upset with me saying his best achievement was brining some one else. By the way, thats not a knock on Ryan, but a testimate to his ability to scout. Hey Ryan, why dont you use that ability to finds us a middle infielder and deactivate yourself, thereby eliminating a huge hole at short stop?That would be a feat. HONORABLE MENTION: RYAN'S OUT-OF-BOUNDS TD AGAINST KAPPA SIG (nice sell). RYAN PLANTING HIS FACE INTO EVERYONE AND EVERYTHING.

Brian "B.Viddy/Heisman Hype" Vidrik: DROPPING THREE PASSES TO START A GAME, TWO OF THEM BEING FOR TD'S AND THEN USUNG HIS FOOT TO FIANLLY HAUL ONE IN. Its hard to rate your own moments like this, and to tell you the truth it is something that i would like to forget, but I figured that this is what you all would pick if you were in charge...but your not. Anyways, this had to the only moment of the year when the band had the "we're losing to thses guys?" look on their face. Think about it. I hadnt dropped a ball all year (shut up INT's dont count) and had pulled off two great endzone TD's in the previous weeks, only to resort to dropping an open out, an open TD out , and another open TD out, only to see Our team, their team, and Dewitt the ref all laughing. Whats worse is that i had to use a third appendage to secure my only TD cathch. after returning a lateral for a TD, I had a potential 6 TD game taken away by being called down on the 1 yardline twice, and two drops. That would have been historical, but all you guys remember is me dropping the ball. What of the game that never was?!?! You never talk about that! I hate all of you! HONORABLE MENTION: CONSECUTIVE SIDELINE TD GRABS (where the name hesiman hype came from); INTERCEPTING A LATERAL IN THE FINAL GAME (that was just silly!)

Jeff "Dammit I'm open, wait, RUN! RUN!, YES!" Pick: HIS FIRST GAME. Ok, this one was difficult. I chose this one based on a few things. The first is that no one saw this coming and the second was, that we almost didnt allow it to happen. We had just let David take over as QB for PJ and he had proceeded to just torch the team we were playing. Me and pat were happy to have a qb and have PJ at his best position, WR (kinda like when the falcons get wise and turn Vick into a top notch wide out...oh its gonna happen, mark it down). We were strolling along all happy, up by a score or two when suddenly this guy who we just met- who seems fast- says to david,"hey do you mind if I take series?" Me and Pat suddenly shot each other the "Who the hell, does this little prick think he is? this is our team comma dammit!" Well I lined up very frustrrated that this wide out who I didnt know suddenly felt the urge to be our quarterback. Boy were me and pat wrong. Jeff took the ball and fired it about with great accuracy, the best part was that he was able to move around when the rush came and was as nimble as chase snakeing, up on a an unsuspecting boy with his molester 'stache. Our "this fucking sucks" looks changed to "we may have somethig here" looks of joy. And with that our two headed qb attck was born. That is until David got eaten by a lowland gorillia and never told anyone and was never seen again by the team....ever. Another reason I chose that moment is that Jeff played very consistant all year and didnt give me too many opportunities to find one thing that stood out. I didn play with the thought of making his MIRM as the three games that he didnt show up, especially the two we lost, cuz those sucked! Anyways, great season. HONORABLE MENTION: WHEN JEFF FAKED THE PANTS OFF THAT GUY WITH A PUMP-FAKE WHEN HE WAS ALREADY 32 YARDS PAST THE LINE OF SCRIMMAGE (Bonus points for the yells his teammates made after he fell for the pump fake. "dude, your like on the goal line! Why the hell are you jumping?)

ok, well I think thats it for the MIRMS. I only awarded them to those who showed up regularly. Otherwise you would have gotten the award for not showing up anymore and thats just mean, but no hard feelings we appreciate all of you guys anyways joel and david . And guys, I have tried to see if I have left anyone off,I dont think I did, but if I did just let me know, cuz I thought of MIRMS for all of you little bitches.

Final season news and notes:
*As expected we finsihed as Number 2 (insert your austin powers or anchor man joke here). *We are looking to pick up the option on jeff pick for the basketball season.
*Pat will be unavailable for basketball season as he is still on the IM field yelling at the spot of the blown TD call in the championship game, insisting that the pass was incomplete. I dont think hes gonna leave until he wins this argument.
*PJ says he will pursue free agency-but TMB intends to offer arbitration. i think we will see him again.
*Viddy is pondering retirement, deciding between riding off into the sunset or choosing to end his carreer via an inadvertant acl tear in basketball season a year after he graduated. He is weighing his options with his closest friends and family.
*Chad wondered into the forest and is living with a small community of bears. These bears seem to know the where abouts of former TMB player Canyon Platt's remains. More as the story develops, but we hope that chad will eventually see somthing "shiney" and wander back onto our team.
*No word on if the options on David and Joel will be picked up...maybe if they buy brian a beer he will be content (read: you owe me a drink)
*expect chase and JD to become regulars on the team, just as RT is one already. that is if they can keep the facial hair a flowin'
*Ryan Amos has not been offred arbitration He has been suspended for four games and will be placed on the inactive list for the rest of the season. The team has no immediate plans to pursue him in the free agent market. Unless he loses the 'tude.

Thats all for this year. If you have interest in playing basketball for TMB let us know ASAP. I think the team should be called "Prince and the Revolution" or "the Blouses" or even "More cowbell" , but the first two are better. Lets see if we can change to prince and the rev....or wait, wouldnt "Purple Rain" be a great name? ok I'm rambling. That means its time to go.

Viddy
(estimated amount made while writing this column -including part ! and the infamous phantom part II that was lost- 39-40 dollars...life is great.

Semper Fi, little buddy!

So what happens when its Drew's last night in town and I've already gotten drunk at happy hour? An hour and a half late for work is what happens. But we all had a blast and there was close to no one at work today. Things just seemed to work out. Anyways, we will miss you, Drew. Tear it up in Connecticut and we will see you in the Fall. With that out of the way here are some Friday Links up in yo face!

-http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nda_OSWeyn8- I don't know what's funnier: The hand drawing or the fact that all these people actually think that there is a leprechaun in a tree in Mobile, Alabama. All I know is that I agree with the dreadlocked guy who says, "I wanna know where da gold at?" Well put, good sir.

-http://youtube.com/watch?v=kAMIlPudalQ- Pat gave me this link a few days ago. I've actually seen some of his stand-up before, but this gets most of the highlights. I can't help but think, though, that when this guy goes to a party he becomes the absolute center of attention for about thirty minutes before he starts becoming too creepy with the girls and over steps his boundaries; leaving him recycling his act to the shy nerdy guys that are hanging out in the corner of the room. Just call it a hunch.

-http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nmvjwOgVoVs- I know by now that most everyone has already seen this, but Bubb Rubb and lil Sis represent my old hometown of Oakland, and the unintentional comedy on this is just off the scale. Watch for Bubb Rubb almost totaling his car after missing a stop sign when is showing off his whistle tips. Whoooo whooo!

-http://footballcheer.ytmnd.com/- I wonder what this kid is doing right now. Can't you just see this guy in an office somewhere and an e mail flashes up that reads, "We found you!" Suddenly his desk is a mess and he is frantically trying to come up with a reasonable excuse for this catastrophe. Also, when I see this I think of Beau, Joel, Ryan, Lee and Chad....but that goes without saying.

-http://billnye.ytmnd.com/ - I just stared at this for fifteen minutes here at my desk. I can say without a doubt that Bill Nye was a pimp and his theme song is a phat jam! Bill, you, sir have blinded me with science.

-http://sports.espn.go.com/nfl/news/story?id=2442584- O.J. Simpson gets his own pay-per-view show, called "Juiced," where he "punks" unsuspecting victims. His pranks range from trying to sell someone his famous white Bronco to disgusing himself to trick everyday people. The last time O.J. jumped out and yelled 'surprise' he killed two people. Somehow I see this ending badly.

ps. I never put up that other story and I may not ever. I had a change of feelings about it. So you;re just gonna have to deal. Also, no Mav's report because i am too upset about the NBA not scheduling a game for tonight. That is inexcusable. Now I'm grumpy.

Quick hits! aka. More stuff from the weekend and today up in yo face!

Ok, today has been a monster post day. I wrote that first column yesterday, but didn't get it up till earlier, then Uni Man came scooting into my life, but with a few more minutes I plan to finish up on the weekend quick hits. Then post one more weekend story with my response to the Mavs game.

But before I get to that I received this text message from Beau at 8:49 AM.
Guess who just woke me up? DREW! but it was the cops calling me from drews phone! They were arresting him for PI unless i came to get him !He was passed out in a stairwell.

I swear to you, you can't make that shit up. That means Drew almost got arrested three times in two days. That's unheard of! All I can say is that Drew is quickly becoming a legend. I think it might be a good thing that he's going home soon.

--I got beat by Cassie when drinking 40's outside the Rangers game. In my defense I wasn't trying to drink it fast, but as she said, it shouldn't happen under any circumstances. I'm still looking for a way to earn back my dignity. There's a lesson here.

--As any of my ex-girlfriends will attest, I refuse to go to the doctor unless I am about to die. It's not that I think I'm tough, its that its a pain to go to the doctor. In fact, my stubbornness is mostly unfounded, but thats neither here nor there.... The point is I am just getting over a sinus infection, and i got better with only the help of vitamins, and a steady routine of staying out till two or three while getting hammered each night. So basically.... Fuck you, medical science! I win!

--Ok, I take back everything I said about Steve Nash, but Lebron still got hosed on the MVP.

Unicycle Man

So in our office here at work, we have a number of office plants just sitting around that, I guess, is an attempt to lighten and "refresh" the mundane "toast" color of the carpet, cubicles, walls, and doors. With these plants comes The Plant Man. This crazy guy comes around about once a week or so to water and trim the plants. Well, today we were all treated to the plant man and his metamorphosis into Unicycle Man.

Before I get too far ahead of myself let me describe him. Think of Richard Simmons haircut and put it on a jockey-sized white guy. Then, put him in jorts and nerdy white socks, and put a feather duster sticking out of his back pocket.

(Sidenote: We all know that "jorts" are jean shorts, but the following terminology is crucial:
bleans = black jeans
blorts = black jean shorts

I refuse to acknowledge anyone who doesn't use these terms or wears any of these three articles of clothing. I will not argue about this.)

Well long ago, I started hearing rumors about how Plant Man creeps out every girl who works here. In fact, they all hide when he comes in. It's not so much that he is creepy, eventhough he is, but its more that he starts telling you things that you didn't want to know, or would ever care to talk about for that matter. Like unicycles. Yes kids, today he cornered me at my desk and told me all about how he is such an avid unicycler. In fact, he's been doing it for years. You're a plant guy AND you ride a unicycle?!?! Wow, you must get laid all the time!

So here I am pretending to interested, and then pretending to be busy, and then pretending to have to go to lunch while this guy tells me about his unicycling club. This exchange leads to him offering to show me his unicycle that he actually has in his plant van downstairs. Well, it took all my might, but I passed on this opportunity so that I could hide in my car until his van had left before I safely went to lunch. What would have happened if Unicycle Man had took me down and opened the doors to that van and produced a unicycle?

I don't know, but I can safely say that the entire thing was easily the dorkiest thing I have seen in months.

Viddy

Quick hits!

I'm starting to think that maintaining a blog is a bad idea. This is for three reasons: a) I don't have a computer, and b) I don't have the motivation to do it. The third reason is new. It is because I just completed this column and then had it promptly deleted as I tried to spell check it. I hate technology....Ok, well maybe not hate it, but Im pretty ticked off right now. So, I will try to re-write this whole thing...hopefully it will be funnier....that is if it was funny in the first place. Oh, and good news: I now have one confirmed viewer on this site. You know who you are!

With that aside, on with the show.....

--The best moment of the weekend goes to Thurday evening: not only did I see Mission Impossible 3 for free, but I was mistaken for Star's Goalie Marty Turco at Northpark Mall. As any honest person would, I confirmed his query and pretended to be the local athlete, but declined his request for an autograph. Whenever I think about how there is a star-struck teenager named Jason that will tell everyone about how he met a pro-athlete at the mall I giggle to myself.

Check out my updated long list of mistaken identities: Marty Turco, Matt Morris, and John Stamos. I think this new addition has catapulted me into a new pantheon of being mistaken for "B-Listers" and token "That Guy"'s.

--I thought I had seen Barry Bonds go through some tough and hostile environments, but there is no way to compare how the Philly fans emotionally dismantled him. People from Philadelphia are unquestionably the most cold-hearted monsters on the planet. I have no doubt they are the same type people who put little pieces of metal into burgers at fast-food joints. My Buddy Adam, summed up the whole Philly episode by saying, "You gotta hand it to those Philly fans. They'd boo your grandmother's 70th birthday party."

(Which reminds me. Which is worse? The car that doesn't pull up in a fast food drive through making everyone else in line unable to order, or the lady who goes into Subway just moments before you and order five sandwiches to take home to her kids? While my patience wears thin when I'm drunk and ready for a Jack Chicken Sandwich, I have to go with the Subway lady because you can't help but think about how if you had only gotten there a moment earlier you wouldn’t be standing there watching her read off a list while she looks like she’s completely in over her head. On the other hand, this does allow for the funniest moment in all of fast-food: Watching the Hispanic guy behind the counter stare blankly at her while she unloads her list of food. Only resulting in her speaking louder and slower with exaggerated hand gestures. And yet, I digress....)

--What a horrible sports weekend for me. The Mavs lost to the spurs, the Avs got shutout twice, and the Rangers were swept by the Yanks. Yikes. The only thing that kept me from lighting my head on fire was that I celebrated two birthdays, drank and incomprehensible amount of alcohol, and my buddy Drew was almost arrested twice in the same day for being drunk and disorderly.

At the game I watched Drew, a BoSox Fan, go nuts when Johnny Damon came to bat. It was the same anger that I felt towards A-rod, but my dislike had become more silent in the years since he left for NY. But after A-Rod's grand slam to put the game out of reach we realized that there is something about your favorite player going to the Yankees that makes you become irrational. Next thing I know I'm yelling right along side drew, until we have the whole section chanting. It's sad that I can’t appreciate a former Rangers MVP because he fills me with so much hate.

--Following up on Drew. That night he refused a ride home from Pluckers, walked to Tom Thumb, began washing windshields of cars that pulled up (earning 5 bucks) and was told to leave the premise by a security office. He then walked down lovers lane towards campus, and was picked up by us as he was in the middle of singing "you've lost that loving feeling." He did all of this while on speaker phone with me, Chad, Lauren, and Kristen. Drew had a good weekend.

Ok, I have much more. I realize that this wasn’t that funny, but hopefully it was entertaining. I'm still finding my swing in this thing. Writing about our goofy happenings in intramurals was a bit easier, but stick with me, I'll get there.

B.Viddy